Rough day

I pretty much had a plan for the normal struggles of quitting since I'd been down that road a few times, but hadn't planned on an added stress that came out of the blue. Keeping very busy all day was helpful, I had moments when I forgot about smoking, the cravings faded away and came back, but being so busy kept me sane. I didn't sleep much last night, my brain wouldn't turn off and let me sleep, I expected to be exhausted. I worked in turbo gear all day and accomplished more than I do on a good day. Near the end of the day closing the shop, I got a call from my friend's wife, he's expected to pass away very soon and tomorrow is a gathering of his friends to say goodbye to him. I was aware people knew something was up, all their conversations stopped and they were watching me, I didn't want to burst into tears. I excused myself from the office and went in the bird room where I cried and only the birds could see me. (The bird room is my "safe place" in the store where I once hid from a crazy man who came in with a gun.) I knew my friend was ill but the illness is taking him so quickly, it came as a shock. It isn't an illness from smoking, he was bitten by a tick 3 years ago when a group of friends went paintballing in the mountains (fun!) I also had a tick, but didn't find mine until the next day- YUCK! The only good a cigarette ever did for me was remove the tick, perhaps saving my life? My friend got lyme disease and his liver failed. He got a transplant and it failed. I'll travel tomorrow to visit with him and help his wife if she needs anything. I got someone to replace me at the store so no problem having the day off. I've never been in this situation before. I can anticipate cravings while driving a long drive. I have already packed a snack bag with things to munch on while driving. I anticipate strong moments of weakness such as stopping for gas, that I could easily buy smokes, so I made a plan to fight it by filling the gas tank tonight and taking no money or credit card, buying can't be an option. I haven't seen these friends in months (too busy) and I know most are smokers. I anticipate a moment of strength if I'm offered any and I refuse,stop smoking now, I'll tell them I QUIT! I know I'll have their support. I felt that today at break time when I didn't run out with everyone else to the smoking area..."no thanks, I quit"! They were pleased to hear it! I was pleased to say it! A coworker said he wishes he can quit, I said "you CAN!" I told him about this website and he feels defeated without trying. Joking they said there's nothing worse than a reformed smoker. I see it differently, what's worse is someone who thinks they can't quit and never tries.Two other times today I had intense cravings...a kitten I had to give an IV to, after the family took their kitten home with a poor prognosis, I wanted to visit the smoking area- but made myself busy helping other people, the craving passed. I call it willpower when I don't allow myself to give up. Quitting takes a LOT of self discipline! It's a drug addiction and its powerful. Quitting doesn't come easy. The drug tries to convince me that I can't live without it so I have to learn new ways of thinking. I have to take the power away from the drug and give it back to myself. I was feeling moods since waking up this morning. Getting bad news didn't give me the bad moods,Herbal cigarettes, I had it all day. I admit I thought about smoking and told myself it would not fix the problem or improve my mood. The only thing it would do is make me feel worse for throwing away 4 smoke free days. The cravings do pass, and when I conquer them one at a time I take it as a personal strength in small steps.(Excuse the long typing, i have too much nervous energy and my thoughts are hard to collect!)I thought by Day 4 the discomfort would start to ease, but it has been the other way around. The first days were easier, now its getting harder. I'm irritated by everything, my patience are short. I don't sleep well. I have some dizziness. My appetite is good! It all sounds like a bad thing but it isn't. Its a healing process and healing is GOOD! My body is cleansing. I had to teach my body to smoke, now I have to teach it not to but also have to teach my mind.I'll stop here, I don't want to make people crazy with the neverending thoughts of a half-crazy person! Also, I have to get up very early to drive 4 hours. My last thought for the night is...my ticker moves another day forward!Wishing everyone a happy night/day and thank you for the strength I see in all of you because it strengthens me too!I may not be back tomorrow, if I don't post it doesn't mean I got run over by the tobacco wagon, only that I'm very busy out of town. Before I sleep, I need to pack my clothes for the trip and pack toys and clothes for my niece. Hugs my friends! Stay strong!