I just wanted you to know

I posted to the thread I started earlier in the week, I think. I wanted to thank so many of you and share an insight with all of you. If you have the time. Here is a copy of what I posted in that thread. Thank you for posting and offering so many prayers and comforting words.I cannot begin to say what these last 10 days have been and confess although I always think I am "prepared" for any outcome truth is all of these challenges have and remain filled with new pathways and many that feel rutted.Bob is having Cat scans today to see if they can identify why he is unable to hold anything down. The concern is blockages in his small intestines He has output where it should not be and none where it should. He has lost so much weight and is so very weak. I think back to day one post op and cannot believe where we were than and where we are now( gone so backwards) I have continued to work( although usually only get 5/6 hrs in) and than make the journey to the hospital where I have gone between cheerleader, advocate, nurse, furious wife, helpless girl( at my age no less) angry woman, and eternally hopeful partner.I realized last nigh at 11 I had hit my wall both physically and mentally. I have taken today off( other than blackberry and cell response) I am having coffee, will eat breakfast( this all seems so blessedly normal) and will go visit Bobby at 1 or so. Tonight our beautiful Jess is coming to ake her mom dinner,Herbal cigarettes, and I hope we can enjoy a breath of each others company and being-ness.I believe with all my heart we will come thru this and our marriage of all these years will be one of even more grace. And so thank you and know, your prayers and intentions carry much light into many dark spaces.Now a quick note as it relates to the mission of this community.Yesterday was seven and a half yrs since I smoked my last cigarette. And I have experienced many trials tribulations and celebrations in that time. I never ever want or think a smoke is the answer to anything but imagine this 'different sort of mind game that came to play"Tues night , after several new and improved bad days for my Bob, I came home bone weary , oh so tired, but alert and wound up tight as a waiting to be spun top. Everything at home is quiet and so tidy (everything stays so untouched in his absence) I am looking on top of the refrigerator, where he keep his glass's and lighter, his wallet and some other sundry things in a corner, and as I realize his smokes are not up there I wonder what did he do with them. I see behind a holder I have placed up there his yellow colorful pack of American Spirits( he switched to those after I quit) I pick up the box, open it all but 2 are remaining. I bring the box to my nose and smell, they do not smell like my memory of my old pal menthols. they smell softer and the filters gleam a white that seems to be offering purity.I have a moment where I imagine how it would be to go sit on the porch looking out at our flower beds, and sit and rock and smoke a cigarette. I imagine the deep intake of relaxation, the breath of release. AND I know instantly what I am wanting is some of the old days before sick, before illness before scary getting older stuff started to really happen. I want to turn back time and be me 8 yrs ago. And this has nothing to do with me wanting to smoke,quit smoking now, it is just a vision of who I once was and for a moment want to be ,because that woman did not have this life at this moment.I was startled by how easy it would be for someone, not me but someone to not see what that was, and think, OMG I WANT TO SMOKE. And how that would than translate into , after 7 yrs its still a battle. I share this so you know on a deeper level, although it has been yrs since I WANTED a cigarette, that we the former smoker resides in this new improved version and perhaps when we thing we are craving a cigarette what we are actually craving is a respite or a time when life seemed easier or better than the current moment.I went to bed thinking how much more capable, better stronger I am today than I was 'than" and how we are always on a road of detours where we may be gifted by a surprise vista or a flat tire. Its all a crap shoot and what matters is how we live through those moments and days how we acknowledge the grace of it and give gratitude for it.Stay the path, stay in your lane , be strong and proud of the warrior that is each of you.Many Blessings and loveJoAnn