Keeping the Quit

December 31st I had my second seizure. Ten months earlier I had my first seizure we did a CT scan and EEG and found nothing. My second was at 9:00PM I was sitting at my desk where I'm sitting this very moment and my arm started to hurt. Out of nowhere, my heart started to race for no reason, I fell short of breath like I was drowning. I got up went into the kitchen to get a glass of water I tried to fight this monsterous powerful feeling that had overcome my entire body from my toes to my head. I walked into the living room told my step dad "Something is wrong". That was the last thing I remembered I woke up on the floor. I felt as if I had died and was resurrected. Step Dad got mom by the time she went came in the room I had stopped breathing and looked as if I had died. She called 911. A couple minutes later I became coherent. I raised up and felt the evil feeling overcoming me again I knew what was about to happen my arm started hurting again and then I woke up again. I had died again and came back to life. The paramedics arrived they talked to me for a little bit and they asked if I wanted to go to the hospital. I said "Yes." I was loaded into the ambulance truck and on the way to the hospital the feeling was coming back I tried to fight it with every ounce of strength I had left. The arm started to hurt, I fought for the longest I could then BAM. I felt as if I was resurrected again. I was afraid that the evil, the evil that was there with me would consume me again. I begged the paramedic to not let it happen again. We arrived at the hospital. Tired, scared, lifeless. I sat in the bed while the nurses and doctors walked by like they didn't care. A doctor finally arrived and did a CT scan and then he released me from the hospital like there was nothing wrong with me. The day after I was afraid that this feeling would overcome me again. I went to go take a shower and felt this feeling overcome me again I thought it was going to happen again. It didn't. This happened all day long I was tormented by it all day long. I looked forward to the next day for relief from this torture. I woke up felt good,Herbal cigarettes, took a shower and there it was. That feeling came over me and it went on all day long. This was on sunday and by Wensday I finally was able to see a neurologist. He prescribed me some seizure and anxiety medications. He told me more then likely I would have to take this medication for the rest of my life if it genetic. I thought then what was the point of quitting smoking if my life depends on a drug. The whole purpose for me quitting smoking was to have control of myself. And now I'm told I have need to be dependent on some other drugs?The arm pain still persists to this day. Even a little tingle in my body throws my body off because I am quite frankly scared of knowing that I'm about to have a seizure and I can't control it. I can't do anything. The drugs helped but to this day I still don't feel like 100% me. I feel like a very small piece of the puzzle was taken away but that small piece is the key that drives me. I am an athiest but ever since then I believe that somehow I asked for this to happen I asked for help and I got this. Like somehow that night was a gift from the lord. He believes that I believe deep down in him. So he got my attention and put these thoughts into my head to direct me for the right path. I'm so confused. Maybe I am overeacting. Maybe the seizures just screwed up my head so much that I can't think. Over the course of the time since my seizure I have thought about going to cigarettes for a cure to this pain. But then I think is this a test from God? Is this a test to see if I can stick to the quit. This whole thing is starting to sound stupid and so far fetched. But it's like I can feel it in me.I have zero friends. Because I either get bored of them or because I don't know how to get close to anyone or anything. I'm afraid. There I said it I'm afraid to get close to any one. I fear getting close to anyone. I've lived my entire life fine without any one else but now I feel like now's the time when I need someone. I've never gotten close to anyone so how do I do it? How do I connect with people how do I form relationships. Friendships, girlfriends, anything. I can build computers with my eyes closed, I can accomplish anything I put my mind too. I can quit smoking. But I can't form a relationship with a decent women,smoking cessation, I can't form a friendships, I can't form closeness to any one.